Five Minutes With: Tony D, Dating Coach


Don’t Wait, Take Action

Wondering why your average-looking neighbour has a sexy new house guest’ every Saturday night while you’re home watching Game of Thrones solo? Vancouver-based dating coach and founder of Absolute Ability Tony D gives us his tips on how to be a better player of the dating game.


Why did you become a dating coach?

I got into pickup because I was shy, insecure and lonely. After researching the PUA (pick-up artist) scene online I decided that taking action and studying self-improvement, flirtation and social skills were the best way to improve my love life, and it worked.

What’s your typical bootcamp like?

My current bootcamp lasts three days and I teach men how to approach women using simple compliments. They learn how to approach women, chat them up without worrying about what to say, and get their phone numbers or an instant date. I only teach daytime approaching on my bootcamp but I have a month-long mentorship where I also take guys out at night.

What are the things most guys do wrong when approaching ladies?

The list is vast but the biggest thing they do wrong is they don’t even try. If they do, they come off as nervous, which manifests in their body language and vocal tonality. They might stutter, slouch, and have poor eye contact for example. These all stem from anxiety so I teach them how to control their thoughts and emotions, and bring awareness to their body language. Then there is their inner chatter, their ego, which is the root cause of anxiety. I help students bring awareness to how their brains are limiting their ability to display core confidence. We remedy this through repetition, exposure therapy, meditation and philosophy.

How much do looks and style matter?

I take many clients shopping. You are basically a salesman and you are your own product, so you want to make the best first impression possible. That doesn’t mean you need to suit up; it depends on your demographic. If you are into goth girls, then you want to be the best dressed goth in town. If you like mainstream women, then a clean, modern and fitted outfit will help make a great first impression.

What is the best way to start a conversation and keep it flowing?

There isn’t a best way. The key is the law of state transference, meaning that whatever you feel, she will feel the same. If you approach a girl feeling nervous and unsure, she will feel nervous and unsure. Once you learn to control your emotions you can open a conversation with almost anything. You want to be a leader. I always ask my clients “do you have a problem running out of things to say to your best friend?” If no, then you should not have a problem running out of things to say to a stranger.

What if I don’t have a good story to tell?

Everyone has a good story to tell. As your coach, I would ask you this: What do you like to do? Talk about your interest with enthusiasm; even video games can be interesting to women. If you have a passion for something, that can translate into a story. It’s not about what your story is saying about your life, it’s about whether you like your life. Women want you to express yourself.

How is the daygame different from night in a bar?

I’m not so fond of teaching in bars anymore. In the daytime women aren’t drunk, and they aren’t expecting a charming guy to make small talk or ask them out, so it’s easy to stand out and appear confident. In bars, you need to have higher energy in the sense you should be entertaining. Women are looking to be entertained, and will reward entertaining men with attention. In the daytime it’s more important to come across as more “normal” than entertaining.

When is the right time to ask for her number or even take things “upstairs”?

Whenever you feel the time is right. Women want to be led by a strong, confident man. If she is not comfortable moving things forward, she will let you know. But it’s up to you to escalate in that direction. You can say “hey, want to get out of here?” Basically, decide what you want to do rather than asking what you should do.

If you want to take her home, figure out an excuse to bring her home. Maybe you have funny cat videos on YouTube or a bottle of fine sake. I advise not to be too direct, like don’t say “hey, want to go bang in my hotel room?” That will raise objections, and most women don’t want to appear slutty, even if they are down for some fun times. Let them save face, and move smoothly towards sex. If she objects, take a step back and then slowly move forward again.

How do you handle rejections?

Don’t ever be rude or negative about rejections. See them as a feedback and a necessary part of the learning process. Every fighter needs to have their butt whooped a few times to learn that an ass kicking isn’t so bad. If you’re afraid of being hit, then you will never be a great fighter. As in seduction, if you are afraid of rejection, then you will never be a great seducer.

What are the three most important things we should keep in mind when picking up women?

Try first, think later. Always be positive and don’t worry about what to say. Just get into the interaction, try to last at least two minutes, and learn from your mistakes.



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