Wednesday, 29.3.2017

Sara – Sex Educator Extraordinaire Where guys go wrong in the bedroom (and what they can do better)

[10/04/12] 

Sara is the founder of Passionately Yours, an online adult boutique based in Hong Kong that sells sex toys, sensual accessories and erotic novelties. She also hosts classes that help people get the most out of their sex lives, so we sat down with a pen in one hand, an eager ear, and plenty of time to spare.

How should a man approach a one night stand to be seen as a great performer?

If you want to make an impression you should find the G-spot. Most men know about the clitoris but there are still a lot of misconceptions about the G-spot. It’s two inches inside the vaginal wall on the front side of the vagina, so to stimulate it you should do a ‘come hither’ motion with your fingers. To hit the G-spot through intercourse you want her hips to be higher than her body – you basically want to create an angle. It wouldn’t be missionary, for instance, because that’s a fairly straight on position. With doggy style you’d either get her to arch her back against you or push her chest down against the bed.


What’s your take on squirting orgasms?

A lot of women stop themselves from ejaculating because they think it’s pee. It exits from the same hole you urinate out of (the urethra) but it’s not urine. It’s actually very similar chemically to prostate fluid (which helps constitute semen) but women still hold themselves back from ejaculating because they think it’s embarrassing. Men should encourage their girls to try it because lots more women can squirt than think they can.


Should men try to envisage what it’s like to be female or should they simply do what think they’d like themselves?

I think it’s very hard for men to mind read so you should obviously communicate with your partner. To be a good male lover you need to be like a universal adapter and that only really comes from being experienced and having tried many different things. If she’s into tantra, you should be able to do that. If she’s into kink and some kind of tying up you should be able to do a bit of that as well. To be a good lover you essentially need an arsenal of techniques that take you beyond vanilla sex. On the other side of the fence, I think a really good female lover will tell you what she wants.


Foreplay 101?

General teasing is a great way to start, for which it’s very effective to use different sensations and materials. You can use everything from a feather to a piece of silk to something more intense like scratching with your nails. I also have these spikey rollers you can roll over someone’s body but above all you’re looking to get blood into the right area. If you want to do a good tease you should start soft (perhaps licking) and then vary that effect with something hard like spanking - and then you can go back to doing a little tease with the feather. Varying temperatures can also be very sexy (such as using ice cubes) and the same goes for oral.

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Key tips for oral sex?

I call them the three Ts - texture, tempo and temperature. For texture, everything I said about foreplay also applies to oral - especially with the penis, such as using a gloved hand. It's worth mentioning that to your girl.

In terms of temperature, there’s a very famous way of giving a blowjob which can be inverted and used on women. It’s called Chasing the Dragon and they do it in Macau. The girls alternate between having cold water and hot tea in their mouths while they’re performing fellatio. The same works for cunnilingus and the rough guideline is if your mouth can handle the temperature (hot or cold) then she’ll be fine as well.

For tempo, you want to be able to mirror her excitement. Too many men assume arousal is a flat process but you should take your partner on a journey. At some points you want to move quicker (like when she’s just about to climax) but it’s critical to keep the pressure consistent. A common mistake for guys is to stop or slow down even though their girl is enjoying themselves. It’s vital to maintain your tempo, especially when she’s getting close. That said, you can also use a stop/start technique as a tease which works when it’s done intentionally because it leaves her wanting more.


And sex itself?

You want to change around between a few positions but I don’t think you need too many – it’s not meant to be a performance art. It’s also important to think about what works for your penis. You need to be really honest, take a look at your penis, your shape, your curve and decide what positions will work best for you. If you’re very well endowed you want to avoid the positions where you’re shortening the length of the vagina, which means you want to hit her straight on. On the other hand, if you’re not that well endowed, you want to shorten the vagina (hit her at an angle) because you’ll make her feel fuller.


What about anal?

A lot of men pressure their women to have anal but plenty of them are uncomfortable with it because they think it’s dirty and unnatural. The other hurdle is that a lot of women have had a bad experience with someone who did it wrongly and they think anal’s awful and painful. My take is that it goes both ways. If you want to have anal sex then you should feel what it’s like to have something up your arse, but usually when you turn the tables, guys won’t stand for it. It’s a double standard but my point is if you want to do anal sex properly you should experience it yourself. You’ll be able to guide your penis in better.

Some other tips include using lots of lube, giving her a vaginal orgasm first so she’s loosened up, and critically, once you go in, don’t suddenly start thrusting. Wait for her to get used to your penis inside her. A lot of men are really slow when they go in but as a soon as they’ve got everything in, they’re so excited that they pump away furiously and that’s not what you want to do. You also want her to breathe regularly because that helps release the tension. If a woman has a mental block she’ll hold her breath and tighten up.


Any toy recommendations?

Men don’t really think they can have toys unless they have a steady girlfriend because whipping out a dildo on a one night stand can be off-putting: the girl will wonder where else it’s been. For instance, girls can feel threatened if a single guy has a vibrator, but I think there are some other toys that guys can get away with.

Lube is one of those things because you can always say it’s for yourself and it’s great with condoms. If you put some on the inside as well as on the outside then it mimics the moisture of the vagina while helping the condom stay on. It’s also more pleasurable for the woman.

The other thing I’d recommend is a cock ring. A cock ring can be made from different materials, from rubber to silicone, and it almost looks like a thick, stretchy rubber band. It helps you stay harder for longer because it traps the blood in your erection so it’s especially useful it you struggle getting it up or have just come back from a big night out. You stimulate yourself first and then either put the cock ring around the base of the shaft, or around the shaft and under the balls if you want it to be really tight. Don’t worry, they’re really stretchy.

It traps the blood so it shouldn’t be used for longer than twenty minutes but it will keep you hard and give you a much more intense orgasm. Some cock rings come with vibrators attached as well so that works for the girl too.

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How can men have multiple orgasms?

A lot of men don’t know they can have multiple orgasms but that’s because they’re not stimulating the right area. Orgasms and ejaculation are controlled by different parts of the nervous system so your body can separate them. The problem is that because they often happen together, most men don’t think they can have multiple orgasms. If you stimulate the prostate you can have what’s called a dry orgasm. As long as you don’t ejaculate you can go on to have another orgasm. The other way is through tantra which is about moving your energy away from the genitals – but that’s another talk.


What’s your favourite?

Holiday destination: at the moment, Sri Lanka. Relatively untouched, charming, lots of variety in terms of things to see and do. Great food and people.
Restaurant in HK: Wagyu Kaiseki Den for a special occasion and my neighbourhood dim sum place on Peel Street (doesn't have an English name) for weekend lunches with friends.
Film: The Artist.
Sex position: Gosh, it's really hard to pick a favourite so I'm going to cheat and give two! Both are great, depending on what mood I'm in. For intimacy, it would be what's known as the traditional Lotus position in the Kama Sutra where a couple face and gaze at each other in a cross-legged position, while the woman sits astride and wraps her arms and legs around the man. And for real impact, what I call the Bent-Over Wheelbarrow, which involves the woman standing bent at the waist over with her palms on the floor with the man entering from behind. Kind of like a straightened up doggy-style. It's perfect for G-Spot stimulation. 

What are you reading at the moment?

Catching Fire, the second book of the Hunger Games trilogy.

If you could have dinner with anyone form history who would it be?

Probably Eve from Biblical times. I've always imagined her to be the ultimate sensualist who gave into temptation and then seduced her lover, Adam, to do likewise.
  
If you could pass on one characteristic to your children you think you have, what would it be?

Having multiple orgasms.

What annoys you most about living in this era?

That gay people don't have the same legal rights as straight people. That alternative relationship styles like open marriage to polyamory are still largely misunderstood. That we still don't have proper sex eduction in schools, and people believe that "abstinence-only" sex education actually works.

What's the worst thing about HK (apart from pollution)?

The humidity.

You can take visitors to one place in HK, where would it be?

Hong Kong Stadium over Rugby 7s weekend, or LKF over Halloween weekend.

What trip do you find yourself taking in HK again and again?

I still love the magic of the Star Ferry by night. It's my preferred mode of transportation to TST given all the other options.

What's your favourite bar in HK?

Varga Lounge, a boutique burlesque bar in SoHo with superb cocktails.


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